Have you ever found yourself with a choice to make, knowing that choice could go either terribly wrong or be the most amazing thing ever? If so, you know that it can be a very scary place. I recently found myself at one of those crossroads, when out of nowhere a job opportunity presented itself and I had a huge and immediate decision to make. Normally, I prefer to play life safe. A steady and stubborn capricorn, I prefer to remain rooted in my comfort zone with the same job, the same address, the same car, even the same cell phone for years and years…I am most comfortable with routine and same-ness. However, this experience has reminded me that although change can be VERY scary, it can also prove to be positive and tremendously fulfilling!
Having been a stay at home Mom for many years, in 2012 when my husband and I agreed we should separate it involved some of those scary choices, too. Once the decision was made I was happier personally, but I still wasn’t sure we had made the right choice for the children, who were three and six. I was determined to get us through it as calmly as possible and refused to waiver. A long time friend owns a restaurant, and immediately offered me a part-time waitress position.The job was flexible enough that I could schedule it around the kids, and I made really great money considering how few hours I worked. Although that first year was an emotional roller coaster for all of us, we did get through it. I graduated with my bachelors degree from FSU in December of that year, but because I did not want to completely disrupt our lives by embarking on a new career path that would leave the kids with a babysitter frequently, I chose to stick with the waitress gig. If I’m completely honest, that decision also had allot to do with my being afraid of more change and opening myself up to potential failure. In 2018, after exactly six years of working the same job and doing the same things day in and day out, a job opportunity almost literally fell in my lap. I received a phone call from a friend that was leaving her position with the local newspaper and moving across the country in three days. I had to decide immediately if I wanted to give up the comfortable place I had been in for years, or if I was brave enough to venture out into the scary world and attempt a career change in my 40’s. I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job, but it was in my field and I already knew everyone there from freelance work I had done for them. Once I made it known that I was interested, we skipped the resume and interview process and I was asked to start the next day! There was literally no time to give notices or make proper arrangements, I had to shit or get off the pot! It was take the job now or they would find someone else, and I would forever wonder if I had made a bad choice. So I took the job. My plan was to work both jobs, at least for a while, but one of my shifts was a lunch shift during the week, which wouldn’t work out. The policy at the restaurant had always been, if you can’t work your shift make sure someone else can. So I contacted a coworker to see if she would be willing to take over that lunch shift, and she agreed. Unfortunately, when I told my friend and boss about the new job, and that I had found someone to cover the shift, she told me she would have all of my shifts covered and good luck with my new job. I was devastated, both personally and professionally. All I could do was put my head down and get through it, but I was so afraid I had chosen poorly and ruined any semblance I had of a normal life! To say the transition from making cash in hand to getting a bi-weekly paycheck was difficult is a severe understatement. As a server, I worked every day to pay the bill de jour, because I paid bills and bought items daily my money never accumulated, and I could not “budget” in the traditional sense. I tried, but even after 6 years I hadn’t figured a way that worked. When that money stopped coming in on the daily, I was such a mess! It was a month before I received my first full paycheck, and by that time I was so far behind it was only a drop in the bucket of the money I needed to pay the bills. The mortgage was nearing foreclosure status, and I could barely keep the lights on.We went from eating primarily organics to having a grocery budget of $80 or less for 3 people and 4 dogs for two weeks. It took a lot of finagling and a lot of help from the girl’s Dad to survive, as it continued like this for at least 3 months, but we did. During the transition I often thought I had made a terrible decision, although I really loved my new job! As I acclimated to my new job, the financial situation leveled out, and my benefits began to kick in there was a slow shift in my life. I woke up one day and realized I was happy! I still have to budget creatively, but I love going to work every day. I have money going into a 401K. A health savings account to pay for my prescriptions, which are significantly reduced in price. I have dental insurance, so maybe I can actually start making smart decisions towards getting my teeth fixed after years of ignoring them. For the first time in a long time, I feel…taken care of. Valued. Like I matter. And most importantly, like maybe I didn’t make such a terrible decision after all…
Not only did things level up for me financially, but I began to feel less afraid of the new tasks and responsibilities I had taken on. For the first time I have weekends off, and when the kids are with their Dad my work provides tons of opportunities for fun and networking. I love participating in the monthly business lunches with the local Chamber of Commerce, I love supporting local business by helping them with their advertising and sharing their stories and events. I love that I get to write frequently. I love that I am sometimes forced to go out into the world and actually experience things and write about them for the newspaper…I had been closed off for so long that I didn’t even realize it. I still suffer bouts of unexplained depression, but all in all my world looks totally different from what it did a few months ago, and it’s a wonderful and empowering thing to feel good about what you are doing.
As I am adapting to my new place in the world, I am also doing some research and self-help type things to improve those bouts of depression. I’m learning new things about myself, my tendency towards avoidance and most importantly where that came from. Why I have learned to react to life the way I have, and I can see a shift in not only my confidence, but my desire to be active and creative. I have dreams at night that I am a prima ballerina, dancing and twirling just like my nine-year old does. Rather than laughing that off though, I am holding on to the amazing feeling of joy I had in that dream while I was dancing…suddenly I realize I can actually have that joy, and not only in my dreams!
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