Per·fec·tion (as defined by google dictionary) pərˈfekSH(ə)n/ noun
the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.”the satiny perfection of her skin”
the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible. “among the key tasks was the perfection of new mechanisms of economic management”
a person or thing perceived as the embodiment of perfection. “I am told that she is perfection itself”
A big hurdle for me has always been striving for unobtainable perfection. As a young child, I often imagined what my adult life would be like once I was free of the people who controlled of my life. I wanted a husband, 2.5 kids, a beautiful home with a landscaped yard and a dog. I would live a life full of peace and beauty, my kids would never misbehave and my husband would be my biggest fan and supporter. I would have an amazing career and no money troubles. Back then my life was very chaotic and full of both emotional and literal turmoil, so my imagined version looked smooth, clean, organized and calm.
Imagine my surprise when I realized none of that was possible? Well, I have 2 kids, the rest not so much. As a young adult, I learned that life is messy…no matter how hard I tried I could not keep up with all the work required to make my life smooth and clean. There was always clutter in a corner somewhere or dust covering something…who knew?!
I worked hard and bought a little home for myself, and I mean LITTLE. It was tiny, and old, but I got a super deal on it. I loved how quaint it was, with it’s brick fireplace wall and antique floor to ceiling carved oak mantle. Unfortunately I also had four inside dogs, so my home was cute but never ever completely clean. And books…I was like Beauty with books literally stacked every few feet, collecting dust and dog hair of course.
Then I met “the one”, and no I did not think he was perfect. For some reason I did believe our life together would be, though. Really, I had these romantic notions of us helping each other overcome our past and rising above like a pair of beautiful phoenixes to fly off into the blissful sunset together. The reality was more like a pair of wounded buzzards fighting over the carcass of our life together. I think at least a small part of the reason the marriage failed was because of the vision I had in my own head of what a perfect marriage looked like (well, and my trust issues and his narcissism, but i’ll save those for another post…). I went into our marriage expecting it to be fantastic, but what I got was real, raw, deceitful, dirty and painful. Not at all perfection.
Fast forward a few years past births, deaths, foreclosure, early onset dementia and divorce. After the separation of our family, I went back to college with visions of a perfect life for the kids and I after I earned my bachelors degree. I would begin a new career, make plenty of money and raise my kids as a strong, independent and educated woman. The reality was that I struggled dearly as a single parent to pay for and finish college, ended up with a huge amount of student loan debt and when I graduated I literally had no one to come to my graduation ceremony. Not my parents, not my best friend, not my ex-husband. Not one single soul out of all the people in my life thought it was important enough to even offer to bring my children to see me walk across the stage. I didn’t attend my own graduation because it was a sad day for me, not the perfectly happy one I had imagined. I know I should have demanded they come, insisted they bring my girls to watch their Mama walk…but the energy required to overcome the sadness born of feeling so lonely was more than I could muster.
Perfectionism is everywhere we look, images of what we should look like and should have are literally all around us and it’s hard not to compare our actual lives with those we see on tv, in magazines and on billboards. That’s just marketing though. Our society is so strongly based on economics, products and services, that we are bombarded constantly by these images telling us we need what they are selling to achieve perfection. It’s not real. Those models are literally photo-shopped and airbrushed. The perfect lives we see in shows and movies? They’re all scripted. Real life has no script…that I’ve found. If you know of one, please tell me where I can find it!
Even when I ignore the images, I still have a very clear picture in my head of how things should look. Unfortunately getting to that place has always been the hard part. Historically, as a person who suffers from depression, I have really good days in which I can clearly see what I want, plan the steps to get there and feel like I am accomplishing allot towards that end. Then the lack of perfection in my life gets the better of me and the negative voice (that would be me, by the way) in my head tells me to quit and points out all the things wrong with me, all the ways I fall short and all the reasons I won’t be able to do what I’m trying to. Then I go through several days of not even trying. I do the absolute least that is required of me to make it through the day…and feel like I don’t have the energy to do more. Then I have to start all over again.
Remember definition #2 of the word perfection from above: “the action or process of improving something.” I think the key truly is to celebrate progress. Every little step counts! I’ve learned (am still learning) to cheer myself up on those bad days. Today I put jazz music on the stereo, started a load of laundry and made myself cinnamon swirl pancakes for breakfast. I don’t usually cook for myself when the girls are gone, but today I needed to. On the days I feel like giving up and have no energy, I force myself to spend at least 10 minutes working on something productive. Then I do it again. And again. Eventually I feel I’ve accomplished something, because I have! That’s progress!
Using the vision of your perfect life as a tool, a goal or a best case scenario, is not a bad thing as long as you acknowledge that it is fluid and elusive and true perfection can’t actually be achieved because: IT DOES NOT EXIST. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying, but we must learn to be flexible, forgive moments of weakness or self doubt, don’t beat ourselves up over our perceived failures and above all, celebrate progress and embrace all that is good along the way. Every moment of happiness matters, and I believe if we focus on those good moments the bad ones will fall away and become less and less. And always remember, perception is everything! “Sometimes life can be as bitter as dragon tears. But whether dragon tears are bitter or sweet depends entirely on how each person perceives the taste.” – Dean Koontz
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