My daughter, Cameron, just turned 13. She is officially a teen now, which is new to both of us. We’ve talked allot about what is “typical” of teenagers, what we should both expect and why some of what’s considered “normal” teen behavior isn’t acceptable to me. But I listen, and we talk. I consider her wants and we compromise…sometimes to the tune of her grumbling, but so far it’s working. Having never done this before, my theories are based on research, intuition and remembering what it was actually like to be a teenager. Can you remember that? For me it was not fun, and the list below is my attempt to help my daughter have a completely different teenage experience than I did. Here is my teenage survival list:
1. Listen Listening is huge. Remember what being a teenager felt like? For me, no one seemed to care. They didn’t listen and treated me as if I didn’t matter simply because I was young. If someone treats you this way, does it motivate you? It certainly doesn’t me, it makes me angry. 2. Give them chores I don’t expect TONS of work out of my kids, but they have been doing chores for several years now. And I don’t give them an allowance. I believe there are certain responsibilities that are required of all of us to keep our home comfortable and efficient, and you don’t get paid to do those things. That said, I’m not stingy with my money. If they need or want something I take that into consideration and provide it if I can. Being a single parent has lent itself to always being on a fairly tight budget. They’re used to that, so their expectations tend to be reasonable, usually. As my now teen has grown older she has really stepped up and into her chores. She knows what I expect of her, mostly laundry and taking care of the animals, and she does it beautifully and without my having to yell at her about it or even prod much. Usually. 3. Don’t let them sleep all day Sleeping all day is such a waste of time! I know MOST teens stay up all night and sleep all day. It’s normal. I did it, too. However, I am not ok with mine doing that. She really likes to sleep in, and I let her within reason. She has a bedtime even in summer, although it’s usually around 1:30 am, which is later than I like and not as late as she likes, but that’s compromise! The big thing is she cannot sleep past noon. This she hates, but I don’t want her sleeping the entire day away! Not staying up all night helps because she has gotten plenty of sleep.
4. Help them set personal goals that don’t involve electronics Helping them set goals and expecting them to use their brain, even in the summer, is important to me. As soon as school let out for the summer I realized the break was going to wreak havoc on our motivation, if we let it. I gave them a week or two of laying around watching tv all day, then I posted “Summer Rules” on the fridge. Before they can watch tv (which they do on their phones) they must: get dressed (I’m lax on this one because I totally get wanting to lay around in pj’s), brush their teeth and hair, make their bed, clean something they don’t normally clean and read for 20 minutes. Then in the afternoon they must choose two creative activities.
The options I’ve listed for them are: draw, paint, study another language, sew, write, learn to knit, do a DIY or craft. These are just suggestions though, the idea is to keep their creative juices flowing, and I don’t really care WHAT they choose. Cameron found a photo editing app she likes allot and often chooses to edit fan fiction…I’m absolutely ok with that! She is doing something she loves and it’s creative! Win, Win! I’ve also given them AR goals for the summer, hence the reading every day. Once they’ve finished their books we will go to the school and take AR tests to give them a leg up at the start of the new school year. 5. Insist they brush their teeth Not brushing teeth is just gross. Unfortunately I know that if I didn’t put it on the to-do list, it wouldn’t get done during summer. I have not worked this hard to ensure they don’t have teeth like mine, they’ve never had a cavity, to let that go to heck now!
6. Talk to them Talking to your kids at any age is super important, but especially as they become teens. I am very honest with both my girls, and we discuss serious and taboo subjects like sex and drugs because face it, whether you want to admit it or not they will face these issues among their peers. I feel it’s important that they know what to expect so they are not caught by surprise. It’s equally important that they know you love and respect them, and that you are trying to be supportive and understanding of their struggles. I am conflict avoid-ant, so I will not argue. The few times Cameron has gone full-tantrum-teen on me, I’ve simply said “why don’t you go calm down and then we’ll talk.” In each case she has stormed off, thrown herself on her bed to cry in frustration and then came back 30 minutes later apologizing for acting crazy. She has said more than once that she didn’t even understand why she reacted the way she had.
7. Don’t yell Don’t get me wrong, she has gotten VERY angry with me on occasion, but I never yell and I never ever react out of anger. In this case, my being conflict avoid-ant is a good thing! That strategy seems to help smooth the way to communication once things have cooled down. 8. Hug them every day, whether they want you too or not
I am not an overly affectionate person, but with my children I believe it is important to show them affection every single day. I want them to grow up not only feeling good with physical contact and love, but feeling that they deserve it. the last thing I want is for them to be fearful and resistant like their mom. So I make it a point to hug them every single day, often multiple times. The funny thing I’ve noticed is that Cameron hugs me back more now that she’s older than she ever did as a younger child. She is exuberant in showing her love and affection, and that melts my mommy heart!
9. Praise them all the time It feels so good when someone compliments us, but often people get into the habit of only commenting on negative things or bad behaviors. I drench my girls in praise every chance I get. My theory is that if parents treat their children as if they are amazing, they will feel amazing and therefore will be amazing. And even more importantly, they will think amazing thoughts about themselves: children believe what their parents tell them, right? So far I’ve gotten good results with this strategy, and I hope it continues to go well.
10. Never EVER give up on them
It is so important to NEVER EVER give up on your teenager. The teen years are the hardest of all the times in our lives. The mind, body and brain are all working overtime, struggling with becoming an adult. It is a time of transition, no longer a child but not yet adult, and it is often a very lonely and confusing time. Even if your teen is terrible, acts out and says and does horrible things, remember they sincerely don’t mean to be nasty. Often they don’t know how to ask for your help and support, and they are afraid to seem needy. Who wants to be weak and vulnerable? They think they’re supposed to be and act “grown up,” but really they are still children inside and they deserve your love and support. Often they say terrible things, but that is usually because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions, and the hormones escalate those emotions to the max! The most important thing is to make sure your teenager knows that you love them madly, and that no matter what they do or say that won’t change. That will provide a solid foundation for them, a secure home base, if you will. So many things change during those few years, they can be one thing today and may be something completely different two years from now. The teen years are a crazy roller coaster ride of self exploration. They will change a thousand times, and hopefully eventually they will arrive at a solid conclusion about who they are. It would be so unfair to judge them or abandon them before they’ve had a chance to find themselves. As parents, it is our job to help them through it, not hurt them because of it.
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